10 Things to
never tell your children.
Through my
work I’ve had the privilege of speaking to and working with thousands of
children, young, adults and parents.
Two things
have become painfully obvious to me.
First, it’s
extraordinarily difficult to be a world-class parent.
Second, a
significant proportion of students and young adults’ frustrations are caused by
their parents.
I’m a parent
myself, and I’ve observed what many parents say to their children, which can
negatively impact them—sometimes for life.
From a child
and a student’s perspective, here are 10 things that parents should never say:
1. “You’re useless” or “You’re a failure”
It’s
shocking how many parents say this to their children in a fit of anger.
This is the
type of phrase that can scar children deeply, and can make them doubt their
worth as a human being.
2. “I know what’s best for you”
As a parent,
you might feel like you really do know what’s best for your children,
but using this phrase is not at all effective in convincing them that you're
right.
Instead,
parents should do all they can to empower their children to take full
responsibility for their choices and their life.
3. “Because I said so!”
This is
another phrase that’s unlikely to be persuasive.
Parents need
to establish boundaries for their children, but “Because I said so” isn’t
enough reason for children to be convinced that staying within those boundaries
is a good idea.
4. “I told you so”
It’s
tempting for parents to say this when it turns out that their advice that their
children had ignored was, in fact, correct.
If you’re a
parent, I urge you to refrain from using this phrase. Saying “I told you so” is
sure to annoy your children and to cause strain in the relationship.
5. “So clever!”
Here are
some instances where parents might exclaim “So clever!”
- A
two-year-old keeps his or her toys after playing with them
- A
three-year-old says “Thank you” after receiving a present
- A
12-year-old decides to learn about Einstein’s theory of relativity
Parents (and
all of us, in general) have subconsciously come to associate responsibility,
politeness and curiosity with “cleverness”.
When they do
this, however, they begin to unintentionally tell their children that
intelligence is all-important, when in fact most of us would agree that
integrity and morals are even more important.
Parents
should emphasize character and values, while not neglecting the worth of hard
work and a love for learning.
When parents
praise their child, they should be specific, rather than just saying "So
clever!"
For example,
they could say "That was kind of you to help that lady carry her
groceries" or "That was generous of you to share your toys with your
friend".
6. “Why can’t you be more like…”
It’s natural
for parents to draw comparisons to other children, but doing so can cause
psychological damage to their own children.
Parents
ought to focus on what makes their children unique, and encourage them to be
the best version of themselves that they can be, instead of merely trying to be
better than others.
7. “I wish you weren’t my son/daughter”
Some parents
say this when they’re feeling especially frustrated or upset with their
children.
I’ve spoken
to students whose parents had said this to them more than 10 years earlier, but
they still harboured immense bitterness and resentment toward their parents for
making such a hurtful statement.
8. “You’re such a terrible boy/girl!”
Children
have a strange way of becoming the kind of person that their parents, as well
as those closest to them, imagine them to be.
When a child
misbehaves, parents could say something like this instead: “This is so unlike
you. You’re usually such a considerate and responsible boy. You’ll still be
punished for misbehaving, but this is really not like you at all to do
something so naughty.”
9. “You always…” or “You never…”
When trying
to correct their child’s behaviour, it’s much more effective for parents to
point out specific instances or examples, rather than tell their child that
“You always forget to do your chores” or “You never keep your
promises”.
10.“Don’t argue with me”
When parents
say this during a disagreement, they cause their child to feel even angrier and
less willing to obey or compromise.
Parents
should reason with their child and explain their perspective calmly. It’s
crucial that parents don’t lose their cool!
In closing…
As a parent,
you have the ability to powerfully influence your children’s future and
destiny.
What a noble
yet daunting responsibility!
To all of you parents reading this article: I
know you’re up to the challenge.
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